So long decade; it was nice knowing ya...

Happy New Year!  That phrase really doesn't have a ton of meaning to me anymore. Maybe I'm jaded;  I can't get that jazzed up over a flip of the calendar page. It's like a birthday. Remember the excitement about turning another year older?  When did that lose it's charm? I'm guessing around age 30...

What is it about  new year's eve that makes people want to scream, wear hats, blow horns and makeout? Personally I blame the movies. I remember sitting home as a young girl and dreaming about the days I'd be dancing deleriously  in the streets at midnight on New Years Eve. I attempted a few times. I went through the motions, but secretly I knew I was missing something, because truth be told, I felt nothing.
In my twenties, New Years Eve became the ugly sister to Valentine's Day. If you didn't have plans, or you weren't kissing someone at midnight, you may as well join a convent. Not being Catholic, the convent was not an option. I probably just stayed home and stuffed my feelings. I'm chuckling right now, but you know there is probably some truth to it.

My crazy vision of New Years Eve antics

Here is a memory that just flashed through my mind:
The year my brother came back from Vietnam, he and I sat up and watched Come Back Little Sheba. A depressing little movie with Burt Lancaster and Shirley Booth. He was probably really depressed that he wasn't out whooping it up, and I was feeling all happy and special to be sitting up past midnight with my big brother. I remember him leaning over to me at midnight and saying, "Wanna sip of my beer?" I politely refused because I knew if it smelled like skunk pee, it probably wasn't something I was interested in tasting.
 I have a vague memory of us going outside and him firing his gun  once into the air. I don't know if that really happened or not. I wonder if he remembers this at all. I shall ask him today!

My oldest brother Rick and I,  pre-Vietnam days

So as far as the new year? I look at this from the standpoint that this is the end of a decade. A decade that started out really shitty. Like, the shittiest ever in my entire life. (Forgive me if I exclude world events such as 9/11/01, the wars, the housing bubble and financial collapse. I'm speaking strictly for my inner self)

During the last decade I  endured a divorce, early menopause, the death of both parents and 2 other friends. I changed jobs 5 times while raising my son, caring for my mom after dad died, and building a freelance hair business. Oh yeah, and I turned 50! What the hell else do you want to throw at me? Bring it!


But here's the good thing! It sent me headlong  into my journey of self discovery. A spiritual awakening if you will. I went to sweat lodges, group therapy, art therapy, energy healings and any and everything else I could find to get down beneath all this pain and anger I was feeling.  Not just from my marriage, but I went way back to uncover  and face the hurt from my past.
I can look back and see how much I've grown. I can look back and sigh a sigh of relief that the worst of it is now behind me. I have by no means 'arrived', but now I am so self aware. Now when something comes up, I can discern when it is my issue, and not someone elses. There may be nothing I can do about it in the moment, but self awareness is 90 pecent of it. The new milleneum showed me what I was made of.

So yeah, Happy New Year. Or Happy New Decade. The last one was hard, but as Maya Angelou said, "I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now". I don't regret any of it because it was a period of such profound growth for me. Well...except maybe the turning 50 part....